New Chapter…Trust The Process

New beginnings are usually hard especially if it’s a change you’ve never experienced before in your life. The uncertainties, and the what if’s will sure flood your mind. The tears will flow, you question yourself more then usual. It’s just something you can’t stop doing. Well my new chapter begins today. I’ve went through all of the motions, the anger, the fear, happiness, then back to fear and feeling like I failed at something that I hold so close to my heart. But I have kept reminding myself that I will be okay. Trust the process is what he told me. So let’s do this and trust the process.

The fear of not knowing what will happen next is the hugest thing that caused the fear & the tears to flow. Think positive and let the negative vanish but still it’s something that isn’t easy because I’ve been here before and it didn’t end pretty so it’s hard as hell for me to remain positive during the trying times. But at the same time I also have to remind myself that I’m dealing with a real man here and not some little boy. This man is beyond amazing. I’m not the same person I was last year and it’s all because of him. Helping and pushing me to be the best me I’ve ever been. That’s where the happiness comes in. The fear vanished mainly because where we are and what we’ve encountered, this is small.

At first I was against it. How do I explain to a 6 year old that the man he adores and admires will not be around as often but still there? It’s hard I attempted to do so today and he just didn’t grasp the concept. I just don’t want him feeling like nobody wants him. The one man that was supposed to be in his life left before he was even born. Those conversations of why his dad didn’t want him are hard & each time it brings me to tears. But that’s not what this is about. I came up with a way to remind him that he will always have him in his life. Firstly I’m gonna print out pictures of them together and hang them in his room, so he knows he still has him in his life. Play station games, Fortnite to be exact is how they will continue to bond, FaceTime conversations and he will see him on weekends and maybe even during the week for dinner.

New chapters don’t necessarily mean closing the door on the old chapter, just a modified way of going about certain things in life. It’s okay. Just trust the process. Everything in your life happens for a reason. I say that a lot mainly because that’s something that I live by. Because shit happens in my life and I look back like damn if it wouldn’t of happened I wouldn’t of learned this and that from it you know. It’s amazing how we go through certain obstacles in life and be mad as hell while going through it but happy as hell when it’s over and we realized what we learned from it. So no longer going to cry or be mad about anything happening currently in my life but I’m gonna smile and keep my head held high and progress on with life while trusting the process because I know something bigger and better is at the end of this journey.

I sat down and thought about some things this past week and it clicked. I’ve lived with somebody or group of people since I was 18. It has never failed. Maybe this is my time to be selfish. To stop living for others but live for my son and I. Maybe it’s time for me to stop being so co-dependent on somebody else and live and learn to actually be happy with me, myself, and I, and my son of course haha. I get to decorate the way I want, I get to girly up my bedroom for the first time since living in Kansas by myself. It makes me happy. But in the back of my mind I feel guilty for being excited. But I guess that’s just something that happens. Especially when you’ve always been the nurturing person that I am. Always going above and beyond for others.

Never fear change. Change is sometimes good, maybe even great. But once you get over that fear it’s gets better. You’ll start to embrace the change and start to enjoy whatever the change is. Be happy and smile because you’re living and learning. Remember to trust the process and smile.

Trust The Process

Wherever you go in life, you are never prepared for the hard balls life will throw at you. In this life of mine I have been knocked down multiple times, and I have gotten back up more times than I can count. Nothing in life is easy, nothing you go through during your life are you prepared for. But when the blows continue to happen time after time. It just might be time for you to fix whatever it is that you are doing wrong. If you keep losing relationships, maybe it’s time to sit down and fix, love and care about yourself instead of trying to worry about a partner. Yes everyone wants a partner to fall asleep & wake up next to daily, a partner that you can come home to and feel welcomed, wanted and appreciated, a partner who won’t bash you because they don’t feel like you’re the woman/man that they thought you would be. But sometimes in life God wants you to focus on yourself, to better understand what it is that you want. God will allow people to continue to hurt you just so you can listen, since you didn’t listen the first time. 

Ever got called lazy and a huge procrastinator when you were growing up? Ever felt like everything you did was compared to an older sibling or the younger one? Its an experience like nothing else, and it is very hurtful to hear because you are trying your hardest to make the people around you happy, but you still get put down and compared to everybody else. Well I realized that the words you hear growing up can also stick with you, and you start to become that person that other people used to say you were. Like the lazy, procrastinating kid that like to stay to themselves and out of the way because every time you decided to be front & center it was a joke. Hurtful. Just trying to make the ones around you happy, so you forget to love your true self. But nobody understands the emotional damage it would do to their kids when they reach adulthood. If only they could see the daily life and the things that they deal with because of some words that may be stuck in their head 20 some years later.

It’s really hard to love, trust, and open up to people if you’ve never actually seen it being done in the household you grew up with.While growing up and you get lied to by the people who you adore the most, it takes a toll on you more than you realize.So when you become cold hearted & guarded and always on defense mode when it comes to intimate relationships or even friendships because everybody that you once trusted turned their back on you. So when it’s times to finally open up you freeze because you’re afraid of being heart broken once again in your life. That is when you have to trust the process and be happy about the journey you are on in life. God doesn’t place more on you, than you can bare because he knows you’re true strength. Nothing in life is easy, everything going on is set up to make you stronger, to make you wiser, and smarter. 

Nobody is perfect in life. People make mistakes daily. Never forget, but its always good to forgive, not for the sake of the other person but for your personal, and mental well being. Holding onto grudges of the past hurt, and betrayal will never be easy because it will eat away at you. I know, I’ve been holding a grudge against the first love of my life. My dad, nothing ever went right when I would be at odds, and being disrespectful. I had to forgive him for the sake of my mental space. I had to do it for me. While on this healing journey I have finally release and let go of the hurt he cause because lets face it he’s only human and he’s allowed to make mistakes. But the older I get the more ok I am with it because no matter what I always had my uncles to be there for me when I needed them the most, he can’t take back anything that he has done. But he can learn and grow from it. So I was able to forgive & forget everything that has happened over the course of my life, just as I forgave my dad I also forgave the man who took something from me that night. I didn’t want to but that’s apart of the healing process. To forgive & I did just that. Even though I’m still dealing with that traumatic experience it honestly gets easier day after day.

Never allow anybody that much access to your mental. Parents, friends, ex-friends, ex-lovers, nobody. Rise above it all, fix your crown and wear that smile proudly because, nobody will ever know the path you took to get to be this amazing human being you are today. Only time will heal all the wounds, but you have to be ready to take on the curve balls of life head on. It will not be easy but trust me after it’s completely over you will look back and be like “wow I did come along way, and im proud of myself.” Keep pushing forward you time is not over.

Outgrowing Individuals Is Okay.

In life we normally have friends for 3 reason. Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime. Now you know you had friends in high school who said y’all was BBFL. Still friends with that person? Maybe not and that’s okay. In life we go through changes and during them changes you lose friends in the process, sometimes. I had 2 best friends in high school and after I graduated I did lose one after I left for the Army. Even though it hurt, I was okay with it. I still am friends with one of my best friends and to this day we are more like sisters than anything. We have our sister spats but we always bounce back and always will. We grown now so we really don’t have those spats anymore. She’s the friend for a lifetime

Now once I left my hometown for the Army in July 2011, I meant another lifetime friend. She is older but she’s from Wilson. Even though we don’t talk everyday I do know that’s a friend for a lifetime only because when we first met we instantly clicked. It was a scary experience for me because it was my first time away from home fresh out of high school and on my own. I was ready to leave the first day I got there because I didn’t think I could do it. But seeing how well the other females were handling it made it seem like I was overreacting. I told my momma to come get me and I was gonna just go to school But I’m actually glad I stayed and thugged it out. Because of this I met a lot of other lifetime friends while serving in the Army, also met some reasons and seasons. God places people in your life for a reason.

There are a couple of people who I met in the Army whom I am no longer close to, for various reasons. But even though at the time I thought they would be lifelong friends some of them actually taught me a lot during the season where we were friends or associates because they don’t even deserve the title friend to be honest. During my time in the Army, I became a mother, a single mother at that. I learned a lot, went through a lot. I don’t take anything for granted because it solely made me the woman I am today & the woman I am destined to be.

All I want to say is just be cautious of whom you call a friend because everybody isn’t for you. Some people only befriend you because they see that you are doing something great with your life and want to compete with you. A person who goes out and buys something you got, or go do something you did just because they wanted to do it as well, isn’t really a friend but an enemy in disguise. Just be prepared for the bullshit that follows. I only speak on what I know. But don’t feel bad for losing people as you grow. Whats meant to be will always find its way. Trust the process.

Broken Hearted

There is nothing with wanting to be loved the way you give love to other people. You just have got to understand that nobody in this world is ever alike. They may seem like they’re the same but in reality nobody is ever the same. So with you wanting this amazing love that you give to others, you are only hurting yourself because you set this high expectations only to get your heart broken. It hurts like hell sometimes when you go above & beyond for family, and friends only to be let down time and time again. But during times like this is where you build yourself up. This is the moment of healing and finding a new hobby. Mine currently is blogging. LOL. Until I find something else to help clear my mind. I enjoy taking pictures, so I’m currently looking into cameras to find the one that I like and will enjoy taking pictures with.

You break your own heart when you expect people to love & treat you like you do them. EVERYBODY ain’t built the same and wasn’t raised the same either. So you can’t expect Cindy Lou, to treat you the same way you treat her. Always looking out for her when she doesn’t have something, or just being the best friend you can be because that’s what you want out of your friends. Cindy Lou was brought up in a family, where loyalty means nothing. She wasn’t shown affection or given hugs or told how pretty she was, or that she was loved. It’s hard because everybody is out here looking for love, but everybody has a different definition of love. This is when love languages come into play. You got to understand the love language of whomever you’re involved with. Never expect too much from anybody because the lesson I learned in life is, higher expectations lead to higher disappointments and I would have to agree with it whole heartedly.

When you’ve gone your entire life being hurt and let down it becomes so common that when you get to adulthood and things go left with friendships, relationships its like you become accustomed to it. It’s hard to explain. It becomes like natural. So when things are going crazy its like you sit there and think like damn what did I do this time to fuck up what I had going. Placing blame on yourself when you did everything right and to the best of your abilities to make it work. Like I said in my other post. Everything in life happens for a reason. What exactly that reason is nobody fully knows, but you have got to continue to hold your head up with your chest out and take on the world with every blow that is being thrown at you.

When you feel like nothing is working out in your favor, its time for you to take a step back and reflect on the things that’s going on in your life. Sit down and write the good and bad and what you can do to change the bad to the good. Go out to the bookstore and buy a journal, do yoga, go work out, go ride a bike, go out for a solo date. Just do anything to pick yourself up from feeling useless and worthless. It’s okay it’s normal to feel that way when you are going through things alone. But whatever you do just don’t stay there. Pick yourself up and continue to go on about your life. YOU GOT THIS !

The Black Sheep

Take a sit and think back to your childhood. Think back and try to remember if you ever stood out, or felt like you didn’t belong. Trying to do everything perfect just to get some attention from your parent, and step parent. Competing with an older sibling for this great attention from the people we adore so much. Trying the very hardest to be the best child. But still ended up falling short from the recognition that you only dream about. To have the lowest self-esteem, and to succumb to bullying because you were fragile and didn’t know how to protect yourself. At the age of 13 you contemplated suicide. But instead just decided to go back to what I knew, which was my grandparents house. From there you continued to prove yourself to everybody around you. So you do whatever young girls do, and that was try to fit in. But of course that came with some consequences from the bad decisions I decided to take in life.

Nobody is perfect and even though we try to make it seem like we are, we just aren’t. Don’t ever think just because you stand out from the family that you were born into that taking your life is the easy way out because listen it isn’t. You were placed in said family for a reason and it’s solely up to you to figure it out. It won’t be easy and it’s gonna take some time to figure it out. But God didn’t place you where he placed you at to leave you. It may not make any type of sense of why he would put you in a place to be miserable but there’s always a hidden message as to why you’re in this predicament. What I have learned from this journey that I’ve been on. Especially being the black sheep, is that I was placed here for a bigger picture. To make a change within the family. Everybody may not agree with it but you were placed here for a reason, its up to you to dig and figure it out and fix it.

I took on this role in my life simply because I was tired of feeling left out and feeling like I didn’t belong. Talking to a friend of mine opened my eyes to being a black sheep. It doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. It can actually be something major. You have the power to break the generational curses. You might be the spiritually inclined family member that have the power to fix everything that went wrong before you. Do your research and start fixing things within your family. Start buying houses, fixing them for your kids to have properties when they graduate high school then they will have an income while in college to pay for students. Set them up for success before they even know what success is. It’s bigger than you. Time to stop playing and get down to what your ancestors want you do for the rest to come behind you. It is possible.

The Life of an Empath…

Please be mindful how you approach your empathic friends. They get drained so easily that they don’t have enough time or energy to deal with their own problems and family. Please check on them daily just to make sure that they are still mentally stabled enough to help you when you reach out.

Have you ever been in a room full of people, and before you got to this room your mood and energy was at an all time high then immediately after walking into the room, it suddenly took a hard left & you instantly became tired and sad, and low out of no where? You may be an empath. Everybody tends to flock to you because you have this healing aura. But if you do not establish those boundaries then you will always be drained and extremely exhausted. It can be very hard to go on with your everyday life if you do not put some boundaries in your life. You will try to avoid certain people, certain conversations because you already know how it will go if and when you do reach out to that person. I really don’t like having to cut people out of my life more than I have to but my mental well-being comes first. I can’t pour from an empty glass, I can’t be the mother, lover, nurturer if I’m depleted after every interaction I have with some people. You can not be negative around me and expect me to, to continue to wanna talk to you daily. Im just gonna tell you to take that shit elsewhere.

If you are a friend who has an empath as a friend. Please just be mindful not to just un load all of your issues onto them. Make sure that they are in a good head space to receive it. Because they are also people and they tend to go through things on a day to day basis and just because they don’t come to you like you do them does not mean they aren’t dealing with anything. Some people just don’t open up about the issues they face daily because that’s just not who they are as a person. Yeah y’all are friends and yes they can come to you about anything but certain people just aren’t that way and its hard for them to be able to open up. Just because you’re a open book and can go to friends and open up as easy as you can, don’t fault or be mad at them for not being the same way. Its just who they are. But in due time maybe it will change for them because everybody changes at different times in their life.

Sometimes it’s hard but it’s what needs to be so you can be okay. You need to be in tip top shape to continue on with your daily life. Recharge yourself as much as it’s needed. Listen to your body before it decides to make you sit down and recharge. Trust it’s worth it.

Self care is very important, but it helps out an empath much more than you will realize. It’s funny because it’s like when I practice self care on myself, it feels like a weight is being released, and like I can finally breathe again. Facial mask, under eye mask, and a good face moisturizer and some good sleep will help out tremendously. What may work for me, may not work for you. So make sure you try different things to see which one actually helps soothe you the best. Until next time my lovelies. Take care..

Let That Hurt Go..

You see it. Release & Rejoice ♥️

Often times in life we go through hurt. But most of the time we never do anything to actually let that hurt go. It’s always in the back of your mind, just sitting there as you go on about your day to day life. It’s weird because you claim to be over it but there’s evidence that you are not over it. You sit on social media and make post after post subbing your ex or the guy who hurt you to begin with.

While it’s easy to say “Fuck him, he aint shit, I’m glad I MOVED ON” it’s not always that easy. It does take time. & plenty of it. But in the mean time, start to focus on you, and whatever dream you may have. You can not allow a man to ever get to you and to bring you out of character because trust me he isn’t worth it. Because while you sitting home on social media being “petty” he most likely out with his next boo.

There is really no set time on how long it takes to heal. But you have got to heal in order for God to bless you with the man he sees fit for you. You can’t be bitter and mad and think God will send you the husband you’ve always dreamed about, because 9 times out of 10 with you being hurt and damaged you just gonna push him away. Focus on you, your brand, your education, your job whatever you have to do to take the focus off of that man. Level up. Be the woman you know you can be.

Simple things that can help in the process, writing, traveling, being around the people who actually love and adore you. Drinking wine with ya best friends because my best friends always come thru when I need them & vice versa. Dinner and movies always help too. Take yourself out on a date and enjoy being by yourself. Get back to being happy for yourself. It’s not something will happen over night. Just like anything else in life, it takes time. So put on your lounging clothes and let it go & heal so you can become the woman you’ve always envisioned yourself to be.

Nobody likes to be hurt. But in order to grow you have to let that hurt go. Use the hurt to fuel you. To push you to becoming a better person all the way around.

Healthy Boundaries

Always in my life I’ve always had issues with setting healthy boundaries with any type of relationship rather it be friendships or an intimate one. But as I begin to get older the more I understood that I needed to put my foot down and let it be known that I deserve respect and you must respect my boundaries. Honestly I’m a easy going person and I honestly feel every single emotion that is given. I’m an empath and it sucks.

It’s draining and I really wish people would understand that. It’s not that I’m trying to be a bitch or anything I just want people to fully understand that I have to be the best me for my son. I can’t raise him to be the best him if I’m always depressed and tired from having causal conversations. I get it people go through things just like I do but at the same time be mindful of others who are dealing with anxiety and depression.

I love and care about all of my friends. They mean the world to me. Common courtesy goes a long way. When I vent and I decide to vent to a friend, I don’t just dump it all on them without speaking and checking on their well-being because if they’re having a bad day I just won’t vent I’ll make sure whatever issues they are having don’t need to be spoken about. I get it. Feeling like you have nobody to talk to. That’s where writing comes into play. When I feel like I have nobody I either talk to my significant other or I’ll just write about it and release it to the moon and pray about it until I see I have a listening ear to get a different perspective.

I’m done apologizing for setting boundaries for my peace of mind. If you don’t like it you can easily remove yourself from my life. No love lost and no hard feelings. I know what I want and it’s peace of mind on a daily basis. Like I said before I have to be the best me and I won’t allow anybody get in the way of that. Period point blank.

Cheers To The New Beginnings !

We must fall down a couple of times in life in order to grow. But what you do after you fall down is the important part of life. Life isn’t peachy at all. We go through things to learn lessons. Some things we won’t understand but in the end you realize you took a lot from every negative experience that you have been through. I used to question why I went through half of the things I have been through. But in reality they all made me the woman & mother I am today so I am grateful for everything life has thrown my way.

Ever felt like your life isn’t going the way that you envisioned it to go when you was a little kid. Like I had my life mapped out from the wedding, to baby showers, to my first home, family car and all that. But at the age of 20 I got pregnant, and became a single parent. It hurt but that blessing taught me so much about myself. I am strong, stronger then I ever imagined. I was away from family raising a baby boy all on my own, with very few help from anybody around me.

For so long I stayed to myself because of the fact I didn’t just want any and everybody around my son. Because I wanted him to be the very best man ever. But I ended up with a person who wasn’t good enough for him or I. Let that go and focused on myself and stopped looking. That’s when things began to look up. He came out of nowhere. My new beginning, my friend, thing is I had known him in middle school but after I moved I lost contact I guess you can say. But fast forward to the year of 2019. CHEERS TO NEW BEGINNINGS ! It instantly felt right. Love at first sight. The time we spent together were amazing and the time seemed to fly by.

Here it is 2020 & I get laid off from my job and I became depressed due to applying and getting turned down. But one day I received a phone call and that’s the day that I instantly felt like everything I prayed so hard for was starting to become a reality. I got a job doing what I was doing when I was in the Army. My new job is amazing and I love every thing about it. Something not new but new if you know what I mean. Getting told that I’m one of the best ICS they’ve ever hired or seen put a huge boost in my confidence. But hearing that from the DM herself was something I never expected to hear. When I put my heart into something I go above and beyond to make sure my job is done without complaining.

Never allow life to get you so down and depressed that you stay where you are currently at. Focus on yourself, heal yourself, be the best version of yourself, for yourself. The best is yet to come & that’s why I always choose to live my best life. ♥️

Toxicity

Crown Adjusted.

When you are healing you have to change your ways & the things that you are comfortable with doing. You can not heal in toxicity. It never works it will always FAIL. I know because I’ve tried to heal with being in a toxic relationship and it never actually happened. You have to let go of the things you are used to and step out of your comfort zone in order to get to where you want to be in life. I got out of that relationship and ended a friendship that I had since 2012 & honestly it was one of the best choices I ever made in my life. When I left that relationship back in 2017 I instantly felt a weight off of my shoulders. Even though it hurt it was much needed. As soon as we came to a mutual agreement to walk away I was happier than I could ever be. Last year I ended a toxic draining friendship. That was my BIHHH. But she wasn’t a healthy friend if that makes sense. It was always draining when I talked to her.

People are only placed in your life for you to learn. To make you hurt, and then the lesson from it, you’ll always learn from it. It’s hard as hell but listen it’s fucking amazing after the fact. Just to sit back and look over everything that I’ve been through I know now what not to do. I’ve been hurt, lied to, cheated on, beat on, and used. Now there were red flags but I was blinded by a lot because I thought I was in love when in reality it was just lust. I know what signs to look for, I learned how to love the man who wants to love me for me and not only for what I have to offer or what I look like & treats my son like his own and doesn’t act like it’s a burden for him.

I learned a lot by doing a lot and feeling stupid in the end. I don’t regret shit. I used to regret being nice and being that mans designated driver, but looking back it only made me more aware. You can’t be nice to everybody even if your friends say “oh he’s a nice guy he just needs a driver” dumb and naive. But I’m thankful for the experience. I know it may sound crazy but God didn’t leave me. It could of went way left but it didn’t I fought back hard and I made my escape. The look in his eyes, he didn’t care that he was taking advantage of me, just like I didn’t care if he wrecked his car after I made my escape. But after I finally came forward 2 months later, I found out 6 other women came forward about him attacking them. I was just so excited that I helped other women in a way that I was so ashamed to talk about.

Once you remove toxicity from your life. You will start to see things a lot more clearer. Don’t be afraid to cut folks off in order to heal yourself. Live your life for you. Because you came in this world by yourself and that’s exactly how you will leave this world. There aren’t any bunk caskets. Know your worth and don’t allow people to half ass love you. Stay beautiful QUEENS. ♥️♥️♥️♥️

Forgiving Isn’t Always Easy..

Nothing in this world is easy. But when you put your mind to it you can accomplish anything. Forgiving is hard. Harder than child birth in my opinion. I held onto all of this hurt and pain for many years. It took its toll on me in several different ways. I lost friends who I thought would be with me for life because I allowed it to take over my mind and my way of thinking. I lashed out on them and made it seem like they were bad friends because they wouldn’t tell me what I wanted to hear but instead told me what I needed to hear. They were great friends but because I was only thinking one way I wasn’t opened enough to take their constructive criticism.

That’s when I started writing heavily. I wrote everything down. Then one day in class one of our assignments was to write a forgiveness letter. So I did. I wrote to my attacker. I turned it in and felt amazing after that. That’s when it dawned on me. I should do this for everybody who hurt me. So I did. I sat down and wrote at least 7 letters to the people who hurt me growing up. Then I burned them all under a full moon one night and it felt absolutely amazing. It was a release. Yes forgiving was for me, and not them. But I still couldn’t fully let go.

So I started thinking about other ways to move on with my life. What else could I do to let go of it? Go talk to a professional about it and figure out the root cause of it all. So I did. I set up an appointment with a doctor and got to talking. I cried, I yelled and screamed. I was tired of hurting and I was fed up with my life. This isn’t the woman I wanted to be anymore. I played victim instead of survivor. I was stronger than this. I knew I was so I continued to fight and pressed forward only to be knocked back many times but every time I was knocked down I got back up stronger.

In order to become a better you, you have to do things you are not comfortable with doing. So one day I reached out to my dad and spoke with him. During the conversation I was anxious and scared. But by the end of the conversation I felt relieved. He apologized for his ways and I simply told him all is forgiven. That’s my dad and I’ve always wanted to be a daddy’s girl but due to unforeseen circumstances I didn’t get that chance. Since that pain was the cause of almost all of my issues I had to focus and work on that one the most. So I did.

I started meditating, as well as praying more than I did before. I’ve always prayed but after I implemented meditation I was more grounded while praying. It actually felt like I was more connected. It’s unexplainable. But I knew in due time everything would be the way I wanted it to be. I just would have to keep doing what I was doing. No matter what.

I knew that forgiving was for myself and not for others. Which is why I decided for myself that it had to be done. I’m still a work in progress and it may take 10+ years to fully heal. But that’s perfectly okay with me. To become the woman I’ve longed to be. I’ll certainly be happy when all of these things are a thing in my past, that I can look back on and feel absolutely nothing.

Why I Chose To Heal..

There comes a time in your life where you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about the current situation to change and heal. That is why I decided it was time to heal. I wanted better, I needed better. It seemed like everything in my life was at a stand still for what reason I was confused. Like what did I do in my life that was so horrible to the point where I deserved all these things that were going wrong in my life? I sat down and self reflected. Maybe I needed to heal myself from all the hurt and pain I had endured.

That’s when it dawned on me. Maybe it’s time to forgive and move forward with my life instead of holding onto all the hurt that came my way. From my younger days up until my toxic relationships. It all had to be fixed in order for me to get to where I wanted to be in life. That day I decided it was time for me to heal. So I put on my big girl panties and decided to stop being a victim of my past. It happened and there wasn’t anything I could do to change my past but I could move forward and learn from it. Everything happens for a reason & we don’t know why it happens but there’s always a reason for everything that happens in life.

So I reached out to a high school friend of mine for guidance. I started to journal, read and express my feelings more. It worked. I slowly came out of deep dark depression, my smiled returned and I actually felt genuinely happy. I used to fake the funk but once I started to heal and forgive everybody who wronged I felt much lighter and happier. I was so proud of myself. I wasn’t allowing my rape hold me back. I wasn’t allowing the toxicity and being broken hold me down. I knew what I wanted out of this thing called life and I went after it. Head on. Big girl panties in tow.

I enjoy mediation, crystal healing, sage and spiritual baths. Oh and I can’t forget about my jazz music. Kenny G is a must. Everything puts me at ease and grounds me back into reality. Like I have days where I can feel depression & anxiety creeping up slowly & if I don’t nip in the bud I’m sleeping all day with no desires to do anything or talk to anybody. That happened yesterday. I felt it but I was numb and didn’t do anything about it and it showed. My boyfriend just let me be..which was okay because I honestly didn’t wanna be bothered but it also hurt me at the same time. But this morning I woke up did the normal routine and got kiddo to school and on my way back home I was almost involved in a accident. It would of been a bad 1 at that. So I’m thankful I’m still here. Everybody attached to me needs me here in their own special way. So today I’m just going to make sure any other time I feel it creeping up to go ahead and fix it before I lose my life with unanswered questions and responses you know.

The old me wouldn’t be as aware as I am today. I’ve grown a lot over the past 7-8 years. I’m grateful for it all. I really am. I have this vision of where I wanted to be at this age and since I’m nowhere close to being here I get sad but as I stated before everything happens for a reason & I don’t know the reason behind all of this I know when the day comes I will look back on all of the things that went wrong and smile because then I can say that I’ve been through hell and back and it will help me appreciate it much more. Humbleness at its best.

The Beginning

Born in the 90’s to a 2 parent household. Mom worked as a nurse and my dad worked for the city. 1 live-in sibling. We had everything we could ask for. Seemed perfect right? Not really… Dad was an addict and a drunk. He was physically and verbally abusive to my mother. I really don’t remember much from my childhood other then the bad stuff because honestly that outweighed the good. I can vaguely remember one particular incident that happened one night while we were home. And that’s the one time my dad put his hands on me in my life.

One night, I witnessed something that I never wanted to see- being that I was only 5 years old. The yelling and crying from my mother, asking him to stop because he was scaring her. It caused me to cry. My dad never laid hands on me until that night. Crying for the sake of my mother! He came from the kitchen and into the living room to yank me up by my arm. Hitting me repeatedly while telling me to shut up. Being the age of 5.. that only made me cry harder.

He demanded my mother to go in the bedroom. She drops the dish she was washing and went into the room. The yelling continued. I was scared and I couldn’t do anything else other than cry. My brother wasn’t home so there I was all alone crying. I eventually fell asleep on the couch and was woke up by my grandma the next morning. She was telling me “come on and get up”… and I walked out the house with no shoes, just my pajamas on. Seeing the police and all of our neighbors outside. I didn’t understand anything. I just wanted my Mommie but she was at the hospital, due to him biting her and some other stuff.

Well eventually my mother got up the courage to leave and walk away for good. After that he went missing. He would call on occasions but he wasn’t there… Honestly I don’t think I would of wanted him to be there especially after living with him for 7 years and experiencing some of what I witnessed. It damaged me in many more ways then I could ever imagine. Thinking that was the love I needed to be loved correctly. I allowed men to belittle, lie, and cheat on me. In all of my 5 out of 6 serious relationships, I dealt with men who didn’t value me. Even had one abusive relationship. Until I got up the courage to just walk away and block him entirely from my life.

I’ve been through some things I wouldn’t wish on anyone. The tragic patterns of my relations doesn’t end there. I was raped. By trying to be a helping hand to this older man who I worked with. He raped me and then after I fought him off he laughed like it was a joke. I’ve never felt so low in my life before. I told my so called “friend” what had happened because this man was her friend & she laughed like I was joking right in my face. I couldn’t believe it…

But you know life goes on. I ended up getting pregnant 6 months after all that happened. I was suicidal & depressed. The day I found out I was pregnant was the day I was gonna take my life. God knew what he was doing when he placed that baby in my life. Real life daddy issues but one day I woke up and felt like I needed and wanted a change. That’s when I hit up a friend from high-school and since that day I’ve been healing. It’s been a long and rough road but I honestly wouldn’t change it for anything in this world. Since I started I’ve done a complete 180! Not a 360! Because that means I would end up back where I started. It’s funny now because I used to use my illness to get me attention and now I’m just like I want to grow I don’t wanna be that weak-minded version of myself anymore. I want to live for me and my child. I want the love I give out to return to me. I want a husband, not like my father but like my uncles. They aren’t perfect but they weren’t my father either. The only man in my life who has shown me love without judging me is my Godfather. But I hope you enjoyed my first post & return next Friday for more on this healing spiritual journey with me. Sorry it’s so long but when I start typing I can’t stop. Much love 😊