New beginnings are usually hard especially if it’s a change you’ve never experienced before in your life. The uncertainties, and the what if’s will sure flood your mind. The tears will flow, you question yourself more then usual. It’s just something you can’t stop doing. Well my new chapter begins today. I’ve went through all of the motions, the anger, the fear, happiness, then back to fear and feeling like I failed at something that I hold so close to my heart. But I have kept reminding myself that I will be okay. Trust the process is what he told me. So let’s do this and trust the process.
The fear of not knowing what will happen next is the hugest thing that caused the fear & the tears to flow. Think positive and let the negative vanish but still it’s something that isn’t easy because I’ve been here before and it didn’t end pretty so it’s hard as hell for me to remain positive during the trying times. But at the same time I also have to remind myself that I’m dealing with a real man here and not some little boy. This man is beyond amazing. I’m not the same person I was last year and it’s all because of him. Helping and pushing me to be the best me I’ve ever been. That’s where the happiness comes in. The fear vanished mainly because where we are and what we’ve encountered, this is small.
At first I was against it. How do I explain to a 6 year old that the man he adores and admires will not be around as often but still there? It’s hard I attempted to do so today and he just didn’t grasp the concept. I just don’t want him feeling like nobody wants him. The one man that was supposed to be in his life left before he was even born. Those conversations of why his dad didn’t want him are hard & each time it brings me to tears. But that’s not what this is about. I came up with a way to remind him that he will always have him in his life. Firstly I’m gonna print out pictures of them together and hang them in his room, so he knows he still has him in his life. Play station games, Fortnite to be exact is how they will continue to bond, FaceTime conversations and he will see him on weekends and maybe even during the week for dinner.
New chapters don’t necessarily mean closing the door on the old chapter, just a modified way of going about certain things in life. It’s okay. Just trust the process. Everything in your life happens for a reason. I say that a lot mainly because that’s something that I live by. Because shit happens in my life and I look back like damn if it wouldn’t of happened I wouldn’t of learned this and that from it you know. It’s amazing how we go through certain obstacles in life and be mad as hell while going through it but happy as hell when it’s over and we realized what we learned from it. So no longer going to cry or be mad about anything happening currently in my life but I’m gonna smile and keep my head held high and progress on with life while trusting the process because I know something bigger and better is at the end of this journey.
I sat down and thought about some things this past week and it clicked. I’ve lived with somebody or group of people since I was 18. It has never failed. Maybe this is my time to be selfish. To stop living for others but live for my son and I. Maybe it’s time for me to stop being so co-dependent on somebody else and live and learn to actually be happy with me, myself, and I, and my son of course haha. I get to decorate the way I want, I get to girly up my bedroom for the first time since living in Kansas by myself. It makes me happy. But in the back of my mind I feel guilty for being excited. But I guess that’s just something that happens. Especially when you’ve always been the nurturing person that I am. Always going above and beyond for others.
Never fear change. Change is sometimes good, maybe even great. But once you get over that fear it’s gets better. You’ll start to embrace the change and start to enjoy whatever the change is. Be happy and smile because you’re living and learning. Remember to trust the process and smile.