Nothing in this world is easy. But when you put your mind to it you can accomplish anything. Forgiving is hard. Harder than child birth in my opinion. I held onto all of this hurt and pain for many years. It took its toll on me in several different ways. I lost friends who I thought would be with me for life because I allowed it to take over my mind and my way of thinking. I lashed out on them and made it seem like they were bad friends because they wouldn’t tell me what I wanted to hear but instead told me what I needed to hear. They were great friends but because I was only thinking one way I wasn’t opened enough to take their constructive criticism.
That’s when I started writing heavily. I wrote everything down. Then one day in class one of our assignments was to write a forgiveness letter. So I did. I wrote to my attacker. I turned it in and felt amazing after that. That’s when it dawned on me. I should do this for everybody who hurt me. So I did. I sat down and wrote at least 7 letters to the people who hurt me growing up. Then I burned them all under a full moon one night and it felt absolutely amazing. It was a release. Yes forgiving was for me, and not them. But I still couldn’t fully let go.
So I started thinking about other ways to move on with my life. What else could I do to let go of it? Go talk to a professional about it and figure out the root cause of it all. So I did. I set up an appointment with a doctor and got to talking. I cried, I yelled and screamed. I was tired of hurting and I was fed up with my life. This isn’t the woman I wanted to be anymore. I played victim instead of survivor. I was stronger than this. I knew I was so I continued to fight and pressed forward only to be knocked back many times but every time I was knocked down I got back up stronger.
In order to become a better you, you have to do things you are not comfortable with doing. So one day I reached out to my dad and spoke with him. During the conversation I was anxious and scared. But by the end of the conversation I felt relieved. He apologized for his ways and I simply told him all is forgiven. That’s my dad and I’ve always wanted to be a daddy’s girl but due to unforeseen circumstances I didn’t get that chance. Since that pain was the cause of almost all of my issues I had to focus and work on that one the most. So I did.
I started meditating, as well as praying more than I did before. I’ve always prayed but after I implemented meditation I was more grounded while praying. It actually felt like I was more connected. It’s unexplainable. But I knew in due time everything would be the way I wanted it to be. I just would have to keep doing what I was doing. No matter what.