Forgiving Isn’t Always Easy..

Nothing in this world is easy. But when you put your mind to it you can accomplish anything. Forgiving is hard. Harder than child birth in my opinion. I held onto all of this hurt and pain for many years. It took its toll on me in several different ways. I lost friends who I thought would be with me for life because I allowed it to take over my mind and my way of thinking. I lashed out on them and made it seem like they were bad friends because they wouldn’t tell me what I wanted to hear but instead told me what I needed to hear. They were great friends but because I was only thinking one way I wasn’t opened enough to take their constructive criticism.

That’s when I started writing heavily. I wrote everything down. Then one day in class one of our assignments was to write a forgiveness letter. So I did. I wrote to my attacker. I turned it in and felt amazing after that. That’s when it dawned on me. I should do this for everybody who hurt me. So I did. I sat down and wrote at least 7 letters to the people who hurt me growing up. Then I burned them all under a full moon one night and it felt absolutely amazing. It was a release. Yes forgiving was for me, and not them. But I still couldn’t fully let go.

So I started thinking about other ways to move on with my life. What else could I do to let go of it? Go talk to a professional about it and figure out the root cause of it all. So I did. I set up an appointment with a doctor and got to talking. I cried, I yelled and screamed. I was tired of hurting and I was fed up with my life. This isn’t the woman I wanted to be anymore. I played victim instead of survivor. I was stronger than this. I knew I was so I continued to fight and pressed forward only to be knocked back many times but every time I was knocked down I got back up stronger.

In order to become a better you, you have to do things you are not comfortable with doing. So one day I reached out to my dad and spoke with him. During the conversation I was anxious and scared. But by the end of the conversation I felt relieved. He apologized for his ways and I simply told him all is forgiven. That’s my dad and I’ve always wanted to be a daddy’s girl but due to unforeseen circumstances I didn’t get that chance. Since that pain was the cause of almost all of my issues I had to focus and work on that one the most. So I did.

I started meditating, as well as praying more than I did before. I’ve always prayed but after I implemented meditation I was more grounded while praying. It actually felt like I was more connected. It’s unexplainable. But I knew in due time everything would be the way I wanted it to be. I just would have to keep doing what I was doing. No matter what.

I knew that forgiving was for myself and not for others. Which is why I decided for myself that it had to be done. I’m still a work in progress and it may take 10+ years to fully heal. But that’s perfectly okay with me. To become the woman I’ve longed to be. I’ll certainly be happy when all of these things are a thing in my past, that I can look back on and feel absolutely nothing.

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