There comes a time in your life where you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about the current situation to change and heal. That is why I decided it was time to heal. I wanted better, I needed better. It seemed like everything in my life was at a stand still for what reason I was confused. Like what did I do in my life that was so horrible to the point where I deserved all these things that were going wrong in my life? I sat down and self reflected. Maybe I needed to heal myself from all the hurt and pain I had endured.
That’s when it dawned on me. Maybe it’s time to forgive and move forward with my life instead of holding onto all the hurt that came my way. From my younger days up until my toxic relationships. It all had to be fixed in order for me to get to where I wanted to be in life. That day I decided it was time for me to heal. So I put on my big girl panties and decided to stop being a victim of my past. It happened and there wasn’t anything I could do to change my past but I could move forward and learn from it. Everything happens for a reason & we don’t know why it happens but there’s always a reason for everything that happens in life.
So I reached out to a high school friend of mine for guidance. I started to journal, read and express my feelings more. It worked. I slowly came out of deep dark depression, my smiled returned and I actually felt genuinely happy. I used to fake the funk but once I started to heal and forgive everybody who wronged I felt much lighter and happier. I was so proud of myself. I wasn’t allowing my rape hold me back. I wasn’t allowing the toxicity and being broken hold me down. I knew what I wanted out of this thing called life and I went after it. Head on. Big girl panties in tow.
I enjoy mediation, crystal healing, sage and spiritual baths. Oh and I can’t forget about my jazz music. Kenny G is a must. Everything puts me at ease and grounds me back into reality. Like I have days where I can feel depression & anxiety creeping up slowly & if I don’t nip in the bud I’m sleeping all day with no desires to do anything or talk to anybody. That happened yesterday. I felt it but I was numb and didn’t do anything about it and it showed. My boyfriend just let me be..which was okay because I honestly didn’t wanna be bothered but it also hurt me at the same time. But this morning I woke up did the normal routine and got kiddo to school and on my way back home I was almost involved in a accident. It would of been a bad 1 at that. So I’m thankful I’m still here. Everybody attached to me needs me here in their own special way. So today I’m just going to make sure any other time I feel it creeping up to go ahead and fix it before I lose my life with unanswered questions and responses you know.
The old me wouldn’t be as aware as I am today. I’ve grown a lot over the past 7-8 years. I’m grateful for it all. I really am. I have this vision of where I wanted to be at this age and since I’m nowhere close to being here I get sad but as I stated before everything happens for a reason & I don’t know the reason behind all of this I know when the day comes I will look back on all of the things that went wrong and smile because then I can say that I’ve been through hell and back and it will help me appreciate it much more. Humbleness at its best.