Born in the 90’s to a 2 parent household. Mom worked as a nurse and my dad worked for the city. 1 live-in sibling. We had everything we could ask for. Seemed perfect right? Not really… Dad was an addict and a drunk. He was physically and verbally abusive to my mother. I really don’t remember much from my childhood other then the bad stuff because honestly that outweighed the good. I can vaguely remember one particular incident that happened one night while we were home. And that’s the one time my dad put his hands on me in my life.
One night, I witnessed something that I never wanted to see- being that I was only 5 years old. The yelling and crying from my mother, asking him to stop because he was scaring her. It caused me to cry. My dad never laid hands on me until that night. Crying for the sake of my mother! He came from the kitchen and into the living room to yank me up by my arm. Hitting me repeatedly while telling me to shut up. Being the age of 5.. that only made me cry harder.
He demanded my mother to go in the bedroom. She drops the dish she was washing and went into the room. The yelling continued. I was scared and I couldn’t do anything else other than cry. My brother wasn’t home so there I was all alone crying. I eventually fell asleep on the couch and was woke up by my grandma the next morning. She was telling me “come on and get up”… and I walked out the house with no shoes, just my pajamas on. Seeing the police and all of our neighbors outside. I didn’t understand anything. I just wanted my Mommie but she was at the hospital, due to him biting her and some other stuff.
Well eventually my mother got up the courage to leave and walk away for good. After that he went missing. He would call on occasions but he wasn’t there… Honestly I don’t think I would of wanted him to be there especially after living with him for 7 years and experiencing some of what I witnessed. It damaged me in many more ways then I could ever imagine. Thinking that was the love I needed to be loved correctly. I allowed men to belittle, lie, and cheat on me. In all of my 5 out of 6 serious relationships, I dealt with men who didn’t value me. Even had one abusive relationship. Until I got up the courage to just walk away and block him entirely from my life.
I’ve been through some things I wouldn’t wish on anyone. The tragic patterns of my relations doesn’t end there. I was raped. By trying to be a helping hand to this older man who I worked with. He raped me and then after I fought him off he laughed like it was a joke. I’ve never felt so low in my life before. I told my so called “friend” what had happened because this man was her friend & she laughed like I was joking right in my face. I couldn’t believe it…
But you know life goes on. I ended up getting pregnant 6 months after all that happened. I was suicidal & depressed. The day I found out I was pregnant was the day I was gonna take my life. God knew what he was doing when he placed that baby in my life. Real life daddy issues but one day I woke up and felt like I needed and wanted a change. That’s when I hit up a friend from high-school and since that day I’ve been healing. It’s been a long and rough road but I honestly wouldn’t change it for anything in this world. Since I started I’ve done a complete 180! Not a 360! Because that means I would end up back where I started. It’s funny now because I used to use my illness to get me attention and now I’m just like I want to grow I don’t wanna be that weak-minded version of myself anymore. I want to live for me and my child. I want the love I give out to return to me. I want a husband, not like my father but like my uncles. They aren’t perfect but they weren’t my father either. The only man in my life who has shown me love without judging me is my Godfather. But I hope you enjoyed my first post & return next Friday for more on this healing spiritual journey with me. Sorry it’s so long but when I start typing I can’t stop. Much love 😊